Kids

Kids, inconvenient as they are, are a blessing.  They teach us to love in ways we never knew we could.  I am beginning to understand why our "annoying" parents treat us like little kids, even after we've grown up.  Because our kids will always be our kids, and we want so much to help them and do things for them so that they will never get hurt.  As parents, we desire most to protect our children, and it is so hard when the best thing for them is for us to step back and let them grow up, let them face their problems with the tools they were given, and allow them the chance to achieve their potential.

I suppose with the new baby and all I'm extra emotional, but I need to write these feelings down so I can remember why we brought them into the world when I'm tempted to take them out of it ;-)

Random Musings

1. My back hurts.  Not that that is an uncommon occurrence during pregnancy, but it's starting to remind me of that stage of labor where the baby is about to come and your back is KILLING you because the baby's head is resting on the bottom of your spinal cord.  It hasn't been that bad, but yesterday it was that consistent sort of pain.  It wasn't my favorite.

2. On a happier note, I've finally got a cleaning schedule for the house.  Each day do a something, and usually, by the end of the week 90% of the house has been cleaned.  I feel good about this, in part because Evie likes to "help."

3. This pregnancy has been SO DIFFERENT from my first one.  Despite the "new" inconveniences, it has been a breath of fresh air, so to speak.  I can actually drink water, which I couldn't with Evie.  I feel like I can work out more, and I don't just have to lie on the couch all day b/c I feel like death.  I don't, or didn't, want sweets; that one was kind of sad.  But it's coming back to me :-)  And I definitely haven't been eating as much.  Woot!

4. My daughter thinks she doesn't need naps anymore.  

I strongly disagree.

Something about the way she gets bipolar around 7:00, is asleep by 8:00, and then wakes up at 4:00 the next morning isn't working for me.  This has happened twice this week.  I really don't want to resort to this, but I may have to lay down with her until she falls asleep.  That way I can monitor the "getting out of bed and playing with toys" situation.  On the one hand, I'm glad that she can stay in her room for 2+ hours and just play by herself, on the other hand, she needs a nap.  On the third hand, I really can enjoy her happy mood from 4:00 am to 6:00 pm.  On the fourth hand, if she's going to go to sleep at 8:00, she should at least be sleeping until 7:00 the next morning, which she isn't. Maybe I just need to wear her out more during the morning so she's tired enough for a nap come afternoon?

5.  I am TERRIFIED about our sleeping arrangement once the baby comes.  Mostly because I don't know what kind of sleeper this baby will be.  Should we put the baby in Evie's room, so that we can hear her when she wakes up, but don't wake up every time she moves?  Should we keep her in our room so that Evie's sleep will be as peaceful as possible?  Should one of us sleep on the couch with the baby downstairs, and have one parent attend to Evie at night, and one attend to the baby?  I just don't know, and it has always been the lack of sleep that scares me the most about having this baby.  I know that after the first few months it will all be behind us, I just hope I don't completely lose it before then.

6. Lastly, I recently acquired a bread machine.  I don't have the manual, so I searched online for general bread machine operating.  I thought I had it all figured out, Evie helped me put all the ingredients in the machine, and we were set!  Or so I thought.  After 3+ hours of rumbling and normal bread machine noises, I expectantly opened my machine to find some delicious homemade bread...and was sorely disappointed.  The first thing I saw was the flour and yeast...unmixed and dry.  Needless to say, we did not have homemade bread for dinner.  I feel like an idiot, but question:  Do I have to do the bread making in two parts?  Do the dough setting first, and when that's finished, do I do the baking setting?  I could have sworn that I had my pan all locked in with the kneading blade set, but maybe I didn't?  I don't know.  But I will be investigating this matter further. 

The other half...mine.

Brandon, lucky man that he is, has been called to work with the 11-12 year old scouts pretty much since we've been married, and we've lived in 5, read it FIVE, wards.  Lucky for them, he likes outdoors stuff, like campouts, hiking, and merit-badging it up. 

Unlucky woman that I am, I have yet to get used to being alone at night. 

However, I was a bit excited for this latest campout.  I was gonna get stuff done.  And I did.  But come 6:00 PM, I was missing him.  Not that I saw him a lot during the day before then, but we had some time together driving to and from work and daycare where we would catch up with each other, and provide whatever support was rendered necessary at the time...I feel like I've been relying on that support a bit more as of late.

Anywho,  I was excited about crossing things off my "To Do" list...and no, not the one I have on the side of the blog :-)  And then, as soon as I dropped him off to leave for the campout, I felt as though I'd lost a piece of my soul.  Knowing that I wasn't going to see him for the next 48 hours was...disheartening.  And I felt lost, disoriented for the rest of the day.  Not in an "I'm incompetent and unable to function properly" kind of way, but an "I don't feel like a whole person" way.  I felt like I was missing a substantial portion of my support system.

Which could be a good thing.  Opposition in all things, right?  Brandon will have returned at the end of the 48 hours, and I will feel a renewed sense of overwhelming love, appreciation, and dependence on/for/towards him.

Since I've returned to the school scene after my year long sabbatical, I've told myself that part of the reason I was doing this was so that if something ever happened to our family, I would be able to step up and get something better than a high-school equivalent job.  Just to be prepared.  While that is true, I've been telling myself that I would be able to support our family, financially--probably, but on an emotional, spiritual, and mental level as well. 

So, with these brief periods of separation, I have realized that I would not be able to survive as well on my own as I thought I would be able, should the need arise.

Ugh, I am so NEEDY :-(

So here's to you, Mr. Palmer.  Jesus (and Brooke) love you more than you will know.

Better Day

Thank you to everyone who consoled me after my pity party yesterday.  I had a MUCH better day today :-)  I looked for it all day.  This is for you, Britany :-).  Today my "This is why it's all worth it" moment was...what's the word?  Insightful?  

Yeah, we'll use insightful.

Story:  This morning, we got started on Toy Story 3 early...like 8:30.  In the meantime, we got some of our morning things done, like breakfast, getting dressed, brushing teeth, and changing diapers (not necessarily in that order).  Good start.  When the movie was over, Evie promptly brought me the WRONG controller for the Xbox.  As she reached out to give it to me, she said "Please." And as she set it on my lap and turned away she said "Thank You."  There was barely a pause for me to say anything.  She had made herself perfectly clear, and to her, there was no reason for her not to get what she had asked for.  Such a cutie.  (BTW, if I wasn't clear enough, she wanted me to start the movie for her.  Again.)

I realize it might seem odd for me to choose this as my heavenly chorus of "Ah ah ah ah" moment of parenting.  

I shall enlighten you.

Over the last couple of days, I've paid closer attention to my interactions with my daughter.  She is getting better at communicating what she wants specifically.  Six months ago we were doing good if she approached us with "Please?" and we didn't have to ask her to say it.  Now she'll say "This way" or "Come" if she wants something.  She also says "Thank You" by herself...sometimes. 

Also, this afternoon, Evie grabbed her cup of milk, my hand, said "This way," pulled me into the kitchen, and stopped right in front of the sink.  Once we made it to the sink, she held up both her arms for me to pick her up.  I did as directed; she then proceeded to have me unscrew the lid to her cup, and she poured out the milk.  After that unwanted bath, she threw the now empty cup into the sink.  Next she wriggled around for me to put her down.  She took my hand, "This way" again, pulled me two feet to the left and raised her arms, again.  I picked her up, again; she leaned forward and opened the cupboard where we keep her cups.  She carefully selected the closest cup, closed the cupboard door, and asked to be set down.  Once again, she took my hand, "This way," and we ended ten feet to the right.  Facing the fridge.  She tried with all the might her 28 lbs body could muster to open that door.  Then she took my hand, placed it on the handle, and asked "Please?"  I opened the door, she took out a Capri Sun pack (I don't know why Brandon bought those for a TWO YEAR OLD.  Regardless, we had them), gave it to me, and stated "Juice."  She handed me her cup, and patiently waited as I transferred the sugar to her cup.  After completing this series of commands, I was gratefully thanked by my daughter, and she went on her way.

(I'm sorry if this was long-winded for you.)

What hits me as a worthwhile moment from this is:  We've actually, effectively, taught her to use "please" and "thank you."  That feels like one battle won.  Secondly, it is so...rewarding...for me to see how Evie can put a series of necessary events together like that in order to achieve a goal.  She faltered not at all through that whole thing.  She knew exactly what she wanted, and knew exactly what she had to do to get it.  I'm discovering that my daughter is a determined little girl, which is a worthwhile thing to notice.

And that, my friends, is why my moments today were insightful, and not awe-inspiring or overly emotional.  

Today was a good day.

:-)

Meh....

Today wasn't the best day I've ever had.  Have you ever been in a situation where your only option was to just let the child scream bloody murder because you've tried everything else?  

I have.

More than once.

I remember when I first had Evie; we were still in the hospital, and they sent in a nurse to teach me a little something about babies: they cry.  Yes, it surprised me too.  I specifically remember her (the nurse) sitting at the foot of my bed, telling me about Shaking Baby Syndrome, or whatever it's called--something to that effect, and she said "It's OK to set your baby down in the crib and go outside for 5 minutes to collect yourself.  Your baby will be fine.  You take care of yourself when you get to that point."  

I feel like I've taken that advice, a lot.  And it has saved my sanity.  So, note to all you expecting and future mothers: It is OK to set your baby down, screaming till they're blue, and leave the room while you search for the remnants of your sanity.  Don't feel bad.  You're doing that baby a favor.

Patience.  

That's one of the keys of parenting, just so's you know.  I have to remind myself of that lots...especially since Evie has entered a repetitive stage of her vocal development.  Summoning my patience for the constant marathon of "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom"  "What, Evie?" "Mom, Mom, Mom," etc, has become a more frequent challenge in recent months.

These two musings comprised my morning, and I just kind of...floated through the rest of my day.  Not a whole lot of energy.  My supply for the day was gone by 10 am.  AND, I took my vitamins and ate my Honey Nut Cheerios.  Still, it left me.  

Sad story.

Fortunately for me, my husband loves me, spoils me, for some reason.  He took care of dinner for me tonight, and bought me cupcakes from my FAVORITE place :-) The Sweet Tooth Fairy Aw, cupcakes :-)  What a great, wonderful, intuitive, sensitive husband I have :-)

Emotional...check.

So, I dislike several things about being female, but one I dislike the most is how unpredictably emotional I can become.  Lame.

Moving on.  Despite the inconvenience of this fact, it has also been a blessing.  "How" you may ask, "you look like an idiot with tears streaming down your face, and smeared mascara and foundation in its wake."  Being a detail-oriented person, maybe even anal retentive (yes, I know what that means--I have paid for several psychology classes) I tend to get bogged down in the small things of the day.  For example, all last week I was sick to my stomach, not because I was ridiculously busy, but because I wasn't able to wash my dishes for three days straight.  Pathetic, I know.

Right, I was explaining the blessing part of this.  So, because I get so caught up in the stupid things, becoming emotional makes me think about the big picture.  Like my friend who's about to pop (shout out to you Britany!) I am reminded of all the life lessons I learned throughout my pregnancy with Evie.  And those lessons have served to strengthen my testimony and faith in Heavenly Father and the Plan of Salvation.  Or just now when I read my old roommate's rant on under-appreciated veterans (that's you, Jen).  I totally agree.  And being emotional makes me all the more grateful for the freedoms we have and that I was saved for such a time as this.  I don't think I would have survived during any other period of history :-)

Anywho, as you may have guessed, I am emotional at the moment.  And I needed an outlet that didn't consist of making Brandon panic about having done something wrong--because he didn't.  And there I go again...I have such a great husband.  I really do.  (River of tears.  Brooke signs off.)